WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
" m. T+ c8 J" F3 d. \into a regular workout routine.

  g8 K6 a3 e9 f2 H- m  m1 XDear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
& N  O3 y  P9 _5 f6 ?week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
- `3 W' J0 Z7 {/ E/ j# a8 p  k* tnamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
& l  w* P! u) p. K  G
MONDAY:
) \0 v, `  W; |4 N7 E* e2 z
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
- K" t. f; ~4 i2 }' y8 Vworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
! d  ?  s5 Q+ L- F! q+ f7 Xeyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

8 _" g) R0 j" sShe took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
+ Y3 U9 d. v' s( v  L  ]which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
6 ^& D0 x  x/ s/ t. kalthough my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
% h+ q. H# O0 X* G+ z7 Owas around.
* q: D3 W' y/ g- H" ?6 z  d; b2 G
% Q# [/ b9 L& A  I# W, lThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
1 t8 y$ _8 ?( Z! B- X; S3 H
TUESDAY:
& b$ b  O; H: w2 n! X2 [$ n; V7 VI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
5 d/ Q3 L' _) [4 Nand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
2 }6 O/ W% e9 B* [0 H4 U# eall worthwhile.
8 P1 @. _* H& G+ m  }# v- t4 \
! s# d! f9 M: X. NI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
% y' r: K: j: T& @The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
* [, u9 \; j5 Q( L) h- {, ^. A4 g; ~a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
( _$ [2 o7 s3 i: t5 \5 Vbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
1 x! ?8 s1 |6 D( }+ Dmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
* E6 N$ t/ P  Qtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
. W8 d" w, H' W( j
$ x' Q) B4 Q& m' rShe said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
$ W% \! O6 K3 n" d4 `: gtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
. B( b; X( P2 p1 Dhid in the men's room.
0 q; F5 w3 H/ p" R9 ^% X. S
# t0 a' D# Z/ f% _, e6 N" I5 e9 @She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
; t$ L3 A% D3 m4 N' vmachine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
8 Y+ k% `/ C* ]2 |3 II hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
) D& P6 l* O2 m8 H) p, hany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
1 H: l9 R$ w2 E# C$ Oanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
! ]. t) T, y; N) o2 gwanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
) Y- o$ S" G. {' J( Sthe*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

+ |+ z$ F3 P  A; @The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
- S1 g: W  [. q! kteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
6 H/ o- v# W$ c& _' d& VBelinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
1 }- j4 f4 F; W. Bhours of the Weather Channel.
; O7 s  W7 a+ m
- j; r! @* l* j( T' h- `! dSUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
/ f7 }) Y3 \$ J; Xa root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.