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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
6 h7 A& {+ e! k* U+ ^( Bwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get# n# \, h s/ H1 u: G
into a regular workout routine.1 |* k1 P% e+ q( w0 `% X
- z9 \/ D. J" E! G0 q: ~6 z( N- Q. XDear Diary:
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( `2 ?4 M( b" f0 f H' E# pFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a# j4 t& t E8 S, I6 t4 A
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
! s. F, O5 N) Mam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
0 n$ E, X4 H0 p, z* a6 K; zyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
r5 v: H5 b/ atry. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer. E9 q/ C1 U' ? ]" w
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics; \6 e4 `3 r8 y; D& }7 h& P
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club* b8 V: W @0 O- G8 [
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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- ?0 P& ]+ s7 r, `5 c& hStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
o! M8 q$ N& `+ b2 B8 D% vworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
, o5 s% [2 o' ?( h: Q& hme. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
, \& w! T: o/ t1 Z1 Meyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!7 K8 {) a3 j$ s' F1 V" j( ]6 I
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
& |& e7 x' f0 f& W9 O5 G' Y% [. ]that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her0 d& ]' @- o Q* V
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in: H# K* A: H" l, l) S! {8 |" x
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
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/ S& E# w3 M' bVery inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,2 ?- z; j& H* k% f2 B# Q9 ~8 ^
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
" U: v6 T) d3 p$ _1 o" Twas around.0 E- Y9 o! c5 l* |& N$ N
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This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:5 |# @ {5 W+ W' V' }6 Y
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.$ v& [# b1 j4 ]' T6 G
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
$ l6 }9 s. P R0 jand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
3 r! s9 a7 ^( [' x5 N7 ltreadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it, {5 v; n$ \9 d# v8 Q
all worthwhile.
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2 Q. m6 m+ |& N2 N2 b2 xI feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:5 `$ o* s, T2 X- R, n
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on9 d: c' Q+ d- E
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have% L9 k4 `6 K: O9 v O! G4 g
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
! d$ @ a( ]' d5 Fsteer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
' l( }. z& k" t& m- K9 W: p3 Ybothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for* g0 S* }+ ~1 F1 @7 M
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine. t9 Y& P6 l2 W
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so; s9 g5 P$ S W' b9 H
Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a r% y" J! g% B7 P7 v# |- `" D- r
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
/ ^* ]. \& A5 }; htold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.& L( N, z; x) f/ i* a3 c3 e
$ Q/ G; c9 A' A& V7 f. [3 AShe said some other shit too.; ]* n1 ~! n) }3 ^6 q: t2 Y
+ Q( @2 z! r5 ? d: D4 v1 U$ HTHURSDAY:
8 s1 R5 h C: t5 q! S. zBelinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as1 L8 p# |" [4 g& W9 F; I5 t
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help5 Y% S- v) l7 |+ L: P) I
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda& ?) D& A9 d9 ]* _- P
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
- @3 Q( c$ m3 p7 e0 F) ?hid in the men's room.5 u* l, ^8 v( K6 K, f
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She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
' Q2 ^7 w% R3 [machine -- which I sank.
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6 X2 p3 \7 |5 _8 j; ]1 OFRIDAY:
$ q0 E4 z' l% L( u5 mI hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
" ?9 |/ ]1 K; F/ d1 a. q% Bany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
4 g' c) {0 G4 @9 q% k" Eanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I1 [7 l8 v! a) h- q
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda2 e# ` j( w* m6 Y y v! [: p; H/ X
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
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And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me4 m4 N3 c+ S; T* E9 x& u
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
+ `! F6 j: V' \* w4 Zteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
. U: t4 U( \- W: [. ~6 Vor the choir director?
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# U3 V: V0 P. S! |SATURDAY:+ ^; ~8 a, O4 J8 G( q: _
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,& { x& D- d0 K0 N9 y
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her2 X: o8 P' [2 O+ K
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the3 Y# _) a7 b V/ A
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
2 j; y, U! K6 N5 Q# U5 K6 \4 xhours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:. e# u& [9 w: J$ n: U
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
0 u# ?3 T* r! X5 F$ g. y( F' ?and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
- M8 ]; P- F! B* \my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
/ j+ H- T+ M& h( b, p. l. T$ X% Qa root canal or a vasectomy! |
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狗仔卡
发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
